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March 26, 2008 17:51:14
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Hal Wastes His Wages
The Boswell Arms - Hoboken's hottest new address
There used to be a time in Hoboken, not so long ago, when you'd ask someone where they lived and they'd give you a simple street address like 3rd and Bloomfield or 8th and Jefferson.
But nowadays it seems "Neobokenites" like to give you the name of their building complex, like Maxwell Place or The Hudson Tea Building - as though it's a sort of status symbol stating yes, they ARE rich enough to live in an edifice with a name on it.
Considering the "Welcome to Hoboken" sign on the north end of town has a developer's logo on it, this sort of bold-faced branding speak should really come as no surprise. But what can be somewhat puzzling are the names of the structures themselves.
Take a place like The Shipyard; a name that captures the hard-working blue-collar essence of longshoremen like Terry Malloy who made their living On the Waterfront, but ironically you'd need to pull down close to Brando's salary just to get a foot in the door.
Then you have other places like The Sovereign and The Constitution, which make you wonder if there isn't some sort of breakaway republic forming on the city's northern enclave.
Of all the relatively new construction, I'd say uptown's Hudson Tea Building sounds the most welcoming. It's evocative of some ornately decorated Victorian garden and ladies with broad hats sitting down with a nice pot of Earl Grey and dishing the latest news and gossip.
Along those lines you'll find another social climber, The Patrician, back on 4th and Jefferson. Unfortunately that's a bit to close to "The Plebian" complexes found only a couple blocks to the southwest.
A few places make one question where exactly the money came from to back such an investment. While The Columbia seems benign enough, The Columbian Arms can't help but raise an eyebrow of unsavory suspicion. Meanwhile The Triad sounds like it could be run by Chinese crime lords looking to go legit in the real estate market.
Keep an eye out for the forthcoming Yakuza Towers, The Latin Kingdom or The Gambino Espresso Building - and be sure to pay your mortgage on time, if y'know what I mean...
It sure seems like a touching tribute to name a building after a woman, and Hoboken has a few of those, like The Josephine, The Theresa, The Diane. But then there's The Elizabeth, which begs the question: if it's named Elizabeth and it's in New Jersey, shouldn't it be shaped like and oil tank?
One of my favorites is The Citadel, which didn't allow women until 1996. The building is quite regimented as tenants are required to wear uniforms, square their way around the halls and pass mandatory room inspections. In the event of any violations, tenants must face the condo board - a.k.a. The Lords of Discipline.
There's The Skyline, offering breathtaking views of both the New York City skyline and the equally impressive skyline of Jersey City Heights. Then there's The Sky Club, which, correct me if I'm wrong, requires you to have carnal knowledge of a stewardess at 35,000 feet in order to get in.
As various condos, co-ops and lofts spring up with lofty notions that they can charge higher and higher prices simply by hanging a title on the front of their structures, I think it's high time I named my own apartment building - and in doing so I've developed a simple formula should you choose to do the same.
Take the name of a childhood pet, and then roll a die to determine whether your simple dwelling is one of the following: 1-House, 2-Estate, 3-Manor, 4-Arms, 5-Castle, 6-Club.
Brad and Buffy Yupiscomb: "WE live in The Curling Club. Where do YOU live?"
Me: "I have a penthouse in The Boswell Arms."
So what if it's an unassuming, top-floor walk-up - now it has a name, and I just tacked another $100,000 onto my resale value. Keep up with that, Joneses!
Christopher M. Halleron, freelance writer/bitter bartender, writes a biweekly humor column for The Hudson Current and websites in the New York Metro area. He spends a lot of his time either in front of or behind the bar in Hoboken, New Jersey where his tolerance for liquor grows stronger as his tolerance for society is eroded on a daily basis. Feel free to drop him a line at c_halleron@yahoo.com.
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